For when those, ‘it’s been a while’ texts come through

Photo by Heorhii Heorhiichuk from Pexels

There is something a little nostalgic about living in a world tense with fear of the unknown. It causes you to take inventory of the things and people that are most important. Beyond that, it forces you to make choices about life, what you want, and who you want, where previously, those decisions might have been unclear.

Living in quarantine through the Covid-19 pandemic is a perfect time to restore broken relationships by ‘checking in’ on each other, but here’s something to remember…

This still isn’t the time to accept people’s toxic behaviour.

Quarantine check-in texts don’t replace behaviour change or that feeling in your gut that says something isn’t right.

I used to find myself making excuses for people’s roller-coaster emotions and busy lives, but then I stopped. Honestly, I got tired of being understanding. I wanted to spend time with people who show up for me, people who are present, even people who aren’t present, they’re “going through something”  but at least I’m not left guessing why.

I wanted to spend time with people who don’t confuse intimacy with neediness. You’re in my life by choice, not necessity.

The relationships that matter to you are the ones you make time for, even through the ups and downs of life. People who care for you will listen to your wants and decide if they are willing to accommodate your request. Sometimes they can’t; not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t see beyond their own thinking.

They truly believe they are giving you what you’ve asked for, but what they’re giving you is their interpretation of what you’ve asked for.

Don’t just ask for what you want, say exactly how you want it. Sometimes we can’t hear people. It takes fine-tuning to pick up on the undercurrents of the things not being said.

The Covid-19 pandemic still isn’t the time to allow people to project their fears and worries onto you.

It’s one thing to listen to the concerns of others and share your fears, it’s another to allow the collective thoughts of the world to drag you into negativity. You’re allowed to pull back and protect your space. You’re allowed to shut off the media. You’re allowed to unplug.

This is the time to know the difference between people that truly value you and people that value your ability to be manipulated.

This still isn’t the time, nor will it ever be the time to let people use you as a punching bag, sounding board, or emotional dumping ground for their refusal to do the actual self-work.

This still isn’t the time to quiet your innate intuition.

You know what’s right for you — you know what’s not.

The relationships you’ve consciously decided to distance yourself from are still the same. They won’t produce different results unless there’s behaviour change or mutual effort made. Ending a relationship doesn’t mean that you didn’t care, it usually means that you wanted something different for your life and you’ve taken responsibility for it.

We are all still responsible for managing our feelings. We are all still responsible for our happiness. We are all even still responsible for our finances, though the circumstances are out of our control. Most of all, we are all responsible for each other because we’re accountable to each other. Those of us who don’t understand this will put ourselves through unnecessarily harder times.

In her book, “Women Who Run With The Wolves”, Clarissa Pinkola Estes talks about the instinctive nature of women.

“The cure for the naive woman and the instinct-injured woman is the same: Practice listening to your intuition, your inner voice; ask questions; be curious; see what you see; hear what you hear, and then act on what you know to be true…by retrieving these powers from the shadows of our psyches, we shall not be victims of internal or external circumstances.”

The Covid-19 pandemic still isn’t the time to romanticize suffering.

Your life isn’t a complete failure. Things weren’t better with the love you lost. Enduring damage to your self-worth is not better than where you are now. Having your growth and freedom stifled is not better than where you are now. Being shown minimal effort is not better than where you are now.

I know it feels like anything is better than where you are. You beat yourself up for holding on to memories. You can go through a terrible break-up and still care about your partner.

Maybe it’s time to process your emotions by asking,“What do the things I love about (insert person’s name here) say about me and what I want?” Alternatively, “What do the things I hate about (insert person’s name here) say about me and what I don’t want?”

Be honest here. It’s a slow road to healing when you hide your truth.

You can appreciate the space you are in while still remembering the people and experiences that brought you here. You don’t have to choose.

One day, you’ll find that your gaze looks more ahead and a lot less backward.

Feel the ache of letting go of the person, things or life, you loved or still love. Feel the frustration for the person that is a constant annoying part of your life. Feel the warmth you had with the person who left or that you left.

Those memories aren’t going to hurt you, they may singe, they may rip your flesh to the bones, but they aren’t going to really hurt you.

This still isn’t the time to accept people’s toxic behaviour, but maybe it will be just enough to open our eyes, ears, and hearts to see, hear, and feel the people who have been invisible to us.

Originally published in Fearless she w

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Stubbornness is not a strength.

Stubbornness is when you can’t be reasoned with. It’s when you’re so set in your way that you can’t acknowledge someone else’s point of view.

It’s not about changing the beliefs, goals or decisions you’ve made. It’s about a willingness to understand something different.

Stubbornness is not a strength. It’s determination out of balance. It’s not a trait to be glorified. Stubbornness smells subtly like a lack of humility. It parallels questions of self doubt, low self worth , fear of failure, shame, and fear of disappointment.

Stubbornness is when you’re hanging on the last strings of desperation. You’re not in control. 

Stubbornness leads to tunnel vision. You’re unable to see the warning signs around. What red flags? Stubbornness sounds like saying, “over my dead body” and I’d rather die before…”

Instead, be determined. Determination is diligence. It’s the will to see things through; not in an erratic way but in a methodical self paced way. 

Determination is when you maximize strengths and become aware of limitations. You seek help where needed to gain the best results.

Determination is persistence. It’s keeping your mind and body grounded. The drive comes from within.

When you’re stubborn you may lose yourself because your drive also comes from outside forces.

Stubbornness is fear of failure.

Determination is knowing that even if you fail it doesn’t change your knowledge, ability or worth.

Stubbornness focuses on self.

Determination focuses on the bigger picture.

Stubbornness becomes an obsession.

Determination is a goal with constant re-evaluation about whether to go forward, wait, or stop.

Stubbornness is often glorified and its meaning misused.

The next time you are tempted to use the word stubborn replace it with determined.

These questions will keep you on track…

Why do I feel so determined? Is it from self? You may just want to push your limits, but what is the bigger picture?

Am I keeping my sanity? The reason you’re determined is because there’s an element of challenge to what you’re doing. However with that challenge comes a duty to practice self care. Are you remaining grounded in your personality? Are you remaining true to yourself?

Is this something that I can get another way? Sometimes determination comes because of obligations, you’re bounded to a contract or have a duty. Sometimes you’re just unaware of any alternative options. Take time to explore other possibilities and think outside the box.

Stubbornness is not a strength. The meaning is often misused and misrepresented but it’s really determination out of balance. 

It’s time to change the chatter. Purpose that your goals are no longer propelled by a blinded one track mind-stubbornness, but a methodical driven outcome-determination.