You Don’t Need to Stop Being a Nice Girl. You Need to Clarify Your Beliefs.

Beliefs aren’t set in stone. You have the power to choose, change, or reject them. Beliefs become our reality.

Photo by Marlon Schmeiski on Pexels.com

You’ve heard time and time again that nice girls finish last in society.

Society normalizes a plethora of habits that don’t make any sense: debt, foods that make you sick, and only two weeks vacation- ugh.

It becomes discouraging to stand your ground when everyone seems to hold some contempt toward how you show up.

People say nice girls finish last because they think you’re weak, that you live in a place of naivety, and victimhood. I mean, not saying you haven’t been there, but now you’re over it.

You don’t have to stop being a nice girl. You need to clarify your beliefs.

Step away from the chaos, the noise of life. Take time to sit in silence, to really think about what’s important to you.

Being a nice girl is censoring yourself to make sure you come across perfectly lovely, without offending anyone. You want to be liked. You don’t do drama. No arguments, speaking your mind, or clashes. Your signature meme is, positive vibes onlyConflict causes extreme anxiety.

Being nice is based on the thought that if you please others, behave, keep quiet, smile, and nod, then people will accept you.

A belief is having trust, dependence, and confidence in someone or something. Beliefs stem from what you’ve heard about yourself and your world since childhood. This may have come from your environment, learned knowledge, behaviors, past experiences, and imagination.

Beliefs aren’t set in stone. You have the power to choose, change, or reject them. Beliefs become our reality.

When you clarify your beliefs you start to live your life, not other people’s. You start to heal from past trauma. You start to take responsibility for your emotions not everyone else’s. You start to create boundaries.

As a child, you didn’t have much choice about what to believe. Your thought patterns have unconsciously shaped your whole life, until now.

Nice girls have been internally wired to think:

I’m not good enough just the way I am, without doing and giving or being someone else.

Disagreements are unsafe. If I engage in conflict I will get physically, or emotionally hurt.

If I voice my opinions I might get yelled at, shut down, talked-over, shamed, rejected, or have love withdrawn.

I’m responsible for other people’s emotions and making them feel comfortable.

Choosing myself, jealousy, anger, sexual expression, and other emotions I think are negative makes me a lousy person.

The opposite of nice is nasty- someone who is unkind, and unpleasant. You don’t have to become these things to set boundaries.

I guarantee someone’s going through a similar experience, with similar thoughts as you. You’re not alone in your aspirations, fears, and struggles.

Instead of having confidence in what others say and believe, find the courage to create new beliefs about yourself. You’re the best person to decide what you want.

How do you do this? By working on creating new thoughts about yourself.

Take a pause from everyone who has a direct influence on you. Your family, religion, friends, and traditions. Differentiate your beliefs from theirs. You will either strengthen old beliefs or explore new ones.

Get comfortable with feeling dread, shame, or mortified about your bad thoughts. They’re normal. What matters is if you keep them or not.

You were groomed to act perfect but that’s a lie. We are imperfect humans, we are complex, yet still deserving of love. Feeling uncomfortable challenges you and clarifies your values.

I believe I can fly.

Here’s how to create new thoughts:

1. Ask, “What types of beliefs do I want to have?”

Do you like having thoughts that emphasize not being good enough and shame? What ideas would you like to have instead and why? Maybe you want to support concepts about self-love because that’s when you feel your most relaxed and creative.

Sometimes self-affirmations don’t work because at the core you haven’t changed your beliefs.

Affirmations can feel forced. Your beliefs should feel authentic, like a sense of knowing.

Here are some prompts to get to the core of new beliefs.

What ideas did I grow up believing to be true?

Do I still agree with them? Why or why not?

What are some new ideas I want to create about myself? Why is it important?

What happens to my mental and physical health if I keep holding on to negative thoughts about myself?

How has holding on to these concepts kept me safe?

What am I thankful for about being a nice girl?

What happens if I don’t have beliefs that I feel aligned with?

What’s the worst thing that will happen if I don’t agree with the beliefs of my childhood? Am I alright with that? What support do I need?

These questions are the stepping stones to understanding your values.

2. Download your emotions, check for viruses

Trying to sort through emotions can be overwhelming. There’s no rush.

You’re processing other people’s feelings and have a hard time sorting through your own. Download an emotions list to explore exactly how you feel. Expanding your emotional range can give more insight into behavioral patterns and triggers. Journaling is a practical exercise to work through this.

You may need to practice expressing how you feel because for so long your emotions have been shut down and invalidated. People pooh-pooh you for speaking too soft or being too emotional. Understanding your emotions gives you better identification about who or what pushes you over the edge.

3. Well this is uncomfortable… and I love it.

Expose yourself to small doses of being uncomfortable. Expect this to happen, you haven’t built up a resilience to emotional pain. Processing emotion is about:

Allowing yourself to feel all emotions, not just the good ones.

Creating compassion by saying phrases like, “I’m still learning, silly me!” or “I overreacted,” creating a lighter attitude about relapses instead of beating yourself up.

Not taking it personally. Emotions are like your period. They’re expected. Sometimes they come easy, other times they’re a pain in your side; they’re messy.

Acknowledge that you have a nice side and a dark side, you need both.

Exposing yourself to discomfort allows you to differentiate between unease about things you don’t value versus unease about things you value but aren’t used to, like expressing thoughts, opinions, or boundaries.

Project your voice, hold your head up, speak your piece.

Another new normal.

Once you gain clarity about your beliefs set boundaries around them.

The old nice girl believed that she wasn’t good enough. She let her partners call her rude names, speak down to her, even hit her because she thought it was her fault. She thought she couldn’t do better. She didn’t have enough examples of what safe people looked like.

The new nice girl vocalizes her stance. She says, “If this doesn’t stop I’m leaving.” More importantly, she believes that she can find love in a million other places.She makes it her priority to love herself first then surrounds herself with people who treat her with respect.

The nice girl with clarified beliefs thinks:

I can accept or reject the thoughts that come my way. I choose to believe positive thoughts about myself.

I make decisions that support my best mental, physical and emotional health.

I don’t have to hold on to my childhood beliefs. I may be met with resistance, especially from my family, but I’m able to stand it.

She treats others with respect and kindness but she doesn’t allow herself to be belittled or used until she is burnt out.

She sorts through and manages her emotions effectively. This helps her reduce stress, empathize with others, communicate better, and resolve conflicts.

She is self-aware.

She uses the tools at her disposal such as journaling, healing through creative dance, writing, drawing, and music. She listens to her body and takes rest when necessary.

Final Thoughts.

You don’t have to stop being a nice girl you need to clarify your beliefs so you can live your life, not someone else’s. This means you can share your gifts, talent, and authenticity with others. This means you are no longer taking on the emotions of others but managing your own.

You can design the life you want.

Arlene

Originally published on Medium

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